Hansel and Gretel_ A Reimagining

Once upon a time there were two university students named Hansel and Gretel. Hansel, the president of his fraternity, could be quite charming around the ladies when he wanted to. So Gretel, a new sorority pledge, was floored when he asked her out.

That afternoon Hansel picked up Gretel in his red convertible and drove the pair out to Grimm's Woods for a picnic.

"You know, I heard these woods are haunted," Gretel told Hansel.

"Don't worry, gorgeous. You've got a big strong man to protect you," Hansel replied. The two hiked out into the woods. Gretel was getting a little nervous.

"You know, we went off the path half an hour ago," she said. "Are you sure you know where you're going?"

"Of course I do," he said. "Though if you're scared, maybe we can stop right here and you can hold tight to me and I'll protect you."

"Look!" Gretel shouted. She pointed and through the clearing was appeared to be a gingerbread house. "What's that doing out here?"

"Let's check it out," Hansel said.

"I really don't think we should," Gretel cautioned. "I've heard stories about a crazy woman out in the woods."

"Do you really think I'm afraid of a woman?" Hansel laughed. "Come on babe. I said I'd protect you."

Reluctantly Gretel followed Hansel. They walked to the house and the door opened. Standing in the doorway was an old hag with large sharp claws for hands.

"Hello, children," she whispered. "Welcome to my home."

To Hansel, the hag's form changed to a beautiful young blonde bombshell in a bikini. Hansel was awestruck.

"Oh, baby!" he shouted.

"Hansel no!" Gretel cautioned. She had heard a legend of a witch out in these woods with the power to hypnotize and seduce gullible horny young men. It was obvious that Hansel was under her spell.

Gretel could still see the hag for what she was and was horrified when Hansel ran over to her.

"Oh, you big sexy stud," the hag smiled. "You'll do whatever I tell you to, won't you."

"Oh yes," Hansel said in a daze. His hormones were in overdrive and he could think of nothing else but this gorgeous bathing beauty.

"Why don't you join us, dear?" the hag said to Gretel. While Hansel saw the witch as a beautiful girl, Gretel could see past the illusion. The witch had her claw poised above the delirious Hansel ready to rip him to shreds.

Gretel knew she had no chance. If she made a run for it, or did anything, stupid Hansel was done for. She had to play along until she could figure out a way to get him out of the witch's clutches.

"Come in, children," the hag said. Gretel followed noting that the hag was standing right by Hansel and he obviously wasn't leaving her side.

"Hansel, dear," the witch said. "Don't you think little Gretel here would make a lovely little slave? In fact I have just the thing." The witch went to the closet and pulled out a skimpy french maid's outfit.

"Put this on, now!" the witch commanded Gretel. "There's no escape now you're in my house and I'm sure Hansel would appreciate it," she said holding her claws up to Hansel's face.

"Yeah, that would be awesome!" Hansel said vacuously not realizing the danger he was in. "Put on the outfit. Now, woman!" he laughed.

Gretel had no choice but to put on the outfit. It was humiliating, constricting and left nothing to the imagination. Worst of all, Hansel was really getting off on it. She knew he was under the witch's thrall but it was still his basic personality shining through. She wondered what she even saw in this jerk.

"You'll be my slave til I tire of you," the witch told Gretel. "I want you to start cleaning my house now while I entertain studly Hansel here. Actually first, get us some food, Gretel. This growing boy needs his energy."

"And get me a beer, wench! Now!" Hansel commanded.

Gretel grit her teeth and did as she was told otherwise who knew what the witch would do to Hansel. She began planning a way to get out of this however.

"Here's your beer," Gretel said bringing it to Hansel.

"Here's your beer, Master," Hansel corrected her as he put his arm on her leg moving it up the fishnet stocking.

"Now, Hansel dear, there will be time for that later," the witch said. "Why don't you let me take care of you."

"Oh yeah," Hansel said as he chugged his beer. "Gretel, get me another beer then you can watch. If you're lucky maybe you can join in."

"Yes, MASTER," Gretel said stomping away. She wondered if she should just walk away and leave that idiot to his fate.

"So, babe, are you ready for me now?" Hansel asked the witch.

"Oh yes," she said seductively as she ripped off his shirt. She pushed him into the kitchen.

"Oh, so you like it rough, huh?" Hansel laughed. "Well, babe, I'll show you rough."

"SHUT UP!" the witch hissed. She let Hansel see her true form as she pushed him on to the kitchen table. Vines grew out of the ground wrapping their way around Hansel's wrists and feet.

"What's going on here?" he said as he gazed at the true form of the ugly hag with the deadly claws. He struggled but the vines held him tight. He was bound helplessly lying on the table.

The witch waved her arms and the stove opened and erupted in fire. "You're just so handsome, I could just eat you up," she hissed at Hansel.

"Wait! Please! No!" Hansel pleaded. "Don't hurt me!" My dad is rich! He can get you anything you want!"

"Oh but I want is you," the witch cackled. "Don't you want me?" She took the form of the blonde for a second and watched Hansel's lustful hypnotized eyes then switched back to her true form and watched his eyes open wide in terror a second time.

"You were so easy to manipulate, it's almost pathetic. I guess it's true what they say about you fraternity guys. You're hot, easy and not very bright. Time to carve you up!"

"No! No! Someone help me!" Hansel shouted. The witch shoved an apple in his mouth.

"MMMMMMMMMPHHHHH!" he screamed.

"I am going to eat you, boy," the witch said. "But first I'm going to have my way with you. What do you think about that?"

She ran her claws over his bare chest, just enough for him to feel how sharp they were but not to draw blood. Even dimwitted Hansel knew what 'having her way' with him meant and he screamed through his apple gag.

"Oh, what's wrong, stud?" she asked. "I thought you wanted me earlier. Well, too bad. I'm in control and you have no say in the matter!"

"MMMMMMmmmmph!" Hansel cried pathetically. The witch just laughed at his fear and his useless struggles against his bonds.

She held up her claws. "Time for penetration!" she laughed.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"No!" Gretel shouted. "Let him go!"

The witch spun to see the defiant girl in the maid costume. "And what are you going to do? I think I'll turn you into a toad."

"I don't think so," she said as she held up her necklace. "I know all about your legend so I brought this. It's a ward against witches. My mother was a powerful witch herself and she trained me well."

"Curse you!" the witch spat. "Well, I still have your boy-toy in my claws- quite literally. Surrender or pretty boy here isn't going to be quite so pretty anymore!"

The witch held her claws over the bound male. Helpless Hansel cried and mmphed as she struggled in vain against his bonds.

"You could hide behind a stupid, helpless boy," Gretel challenged. "Or you could try to fight me. Even without your magic, your claws are big and sharp while I have no weapon."

"Yesssss!" the witch hissed. She smiled at Hansel with her toothless grin. "I'm going to cook up your little girl, then you and I will consummate our union. Then I'll eat you too, boy. Slowly!"

Hansel mpphed in complete and utter terror. How was a mere girl like Gretel going to defeat this beast. He felt no one could save him now.

As with everything else, Hansel was dead wrong. The witch ran for Gretel swinging her claws, but Gretel was much faster. Hansel was amazed how Gretel was not just able to gracefully avoid the witch's attacks, but also landed the first blow. Gretel, in high heeled stilettos, danced away from the witch then landed a punch right in the witch's warty nose.

With a quick kick of her fishnet stocking clad leg, Gretel kicked the witch back. She landed right next to the bound and apple-gagged Hansel. The witch decided that cowardice was the better part of valor and she'd be better of threatening the boy and using Hansel as a hostage.

"You lose!" the witch screamed. She stood over the struggling, mmphing guy in distress. "Grethlll! Hlllph!" Hansel cried through his gag.

"Well ok, I tried outsmarting you," Gretel said. "Looks like we'll have to do this the hard way!"

Without hesitation, she ran right for the witch. Her high heels making a click click clicking sound on the floor. She then jumped up in the air and gave the witch a quick flying kick which sent her flying back.

"MMMMMPHHH!" Hansel cried through his gag. He looked in unbelief as the witch flew in the oven.

Gretel quickly ran and shut the over door muffling the witch's final dying screams.

"Well, that was easy," Gretel laughed. She stared at Hansel. "I can't believe she was able to capture a big strong guy like you so easily. You men truly are the weaker sex, aren't you?"

Hansel was thoroughly ashamed at having been rescued and completely upstaged by a girl. But even more, he just wanted Gretel to cut him free from his bonds.

"MMMMPHHH!" he pleaded.

"Oh yes. You still need rescuing don't you?" Gretel smiled.

Hansel had to nod his head in agreement. He looked up at the girl he considered only a sexual conquest but to whom he now owed his life.

He was relieved when she pulled the apple out of his mouth. He gasped for air as Gretel took a bite.

"Mmmm. Fighting witches is hungry work," she said. "I'll be right back."

"What!" Hansel cried. "You're not going to untie me?"

"Oh, sure I will, dude in distress," Gretel promised. "But first I need to change into my clothes. I'm sick of your eyes ogling me in this ridiculous maid's outfit."

Gretel turned and walked away. "No Please! Untie me now! PLEASE!" Hansel cried.

A few minutes later she returned still wearing the maid outfit. "Hansel, please stop screaming like a girl," she laughed. "Bad news is she must have destroyed my clothes. But at least I still have my purse. So, let's see about getting you out of here."

Hansel looked up with gratitude, relief and not the smallest bit of shame as Gretel untied him.

The two walked out of the house. It had gotten dark and the sounds of various forest animals could be heard.

"The car is this way," Hansel insisted leading the way down a darkened path.

"Hansel you idiot!" Gretel sighed pulling him back. Had Hansel gone down that path he would have been clawed to death by bears. "Typical guy always thinking you know where you're going."

"What, so you know?" he asked tired of this girl continually outdoing him. "Did you bring bread crumbs to follow or something?"

"No, GPS," she answered succinctly pulling the device from her purse. "Follow me."

Hansel did as she said. The animal cries kept getting louder and though he wouldn't admit it, he was so glad he had Gretel there to protect him.

Finally the pair made their way to the car. Hansel was too ashamed to say a word to Gretel so they drove back in silence. Finally when they arrived at the campus, he spoke. Gretel was hoping he was going to apologize for the way he treated her and to thank her for saving his life a bunch of times.

"Gretel," he said slowly. "Why don't we just forget any of this happened and just go back to my place." He put his hands on Gretel's smooth fishnet clad leg and moved it up her leg.

"Moron!" Gretel shouted as she slapped him. "I should kick your ass!"

"Ok, bitch. You're walking home then," he said as he parked outside the frat house and got out of the car. His frat brothers were standing outside drinking. They whistled loudly as they saw Gretel walk out in her maid outfit.

"Hey Hansel! Looks like you guys had a wild time," one of the brothers laughed. "She was your little maid, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Hansel said. "She did everything I told her to. And I mean EVERYTHING!"

"Hansel, you THE MAN!" his frat brother laughed.

"Yeah, THE MAN-sel in distress!" Gretel muttered. She was filled with rage and was about to run and kick his ass. But the rage only lasted a second and she realized he wasn't even worth it. He would lead an empty and pointless life and she had already proven herself. No need to waste time proving it to a bunch of lunkheads.

So she smiled as she walked home. Sure fairy tales would be twisted and warped by men, but they were still just fairy tales. And we know the truth, don't we.