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October 16, 2012
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Congratulations, guy! I know it's been a long time coming, but you're finally dating that super-heroine of your dreams.

Remember the first time you saw her flying in the sky? You know she was way too sexy to be a bird or a plane. But did you ever think you would ever be able to be with such a wild strong beauty?

All that time you spent tied up by her foes waiting for her to save you. All those conversations where you confided  your love for her to that cute girl from the office who looks remarkably like your super gal (well, except for the fact that she wears glasses.) All those long lonely sleepless nights dreaming of your superheroine.

Well congratulations. You've managed to win her heart. Way to go, stud!

Now for the bad news. Getting her was the easy part. Now that you've won her, how do you keep a goddess like that interested in you?

Glad you asked. I have a little experience in this area, so here's some simple tips.

1. DON"T GET TOO CLINGY

It's hard now that you've found your dream girl, but give her some space. With great power comes great responsibility, and she's not always going to have time for you. She has a world to save.

Just be sure to be ready and willing when she's in the mood. With great power comes great needs so be ready to satisfy hers. But only when she's ready. She may have to focus all her attention on solving the Question Mark's latest riddle or anticipating Dr. Diabolical's newest death-trap. Give her the space she needs when she needs it, and remember cold showers are your friend.     

Also control the jealousy. She's a superstar and millions of men (and women) are going to see her flying around in that sexy little costume of hers. Just try to put it in perspective. Yes, she could have anyone she wants, but she's with you. So be grateful. She gets enough drama with the supervillains. She doesn't have time for any of yours.

2. CHECK THAT MALE EGO

Yes, we've all grown up with stories of the brave knight saving the princess and we've all wanted to be the studly hero who rescues the distressed damsel. Well, hate to break it to you, dude, but now you're the distressed. Sure you may be a macho detective, intrepid reporter or Air Force pilot; but now the only titles that apply to you are 'love interest' and 'dude in distress'.

Oh, and since you'll often be kidnapped by the bad guys to lure your super-gal, you can also add 'bait' to that list. No, not terribly manly, but you'll just have to learn to deal with it.

3. BE FLEXIBLE

You really can't make many plans because who knows what will happen with all her foes gunning for you. If you're getting kidnapped on a regular basis, you've really got to keep an open schedule.

And on the rare occasions when you're not bound and gagged, you're going to have to make time to show your supergirl that you'll do anything to repay her for saving your life all the time. No, not that!  Get your mind out of the gutter!

What I mean is that your girlfriend is out saving the world, so you may have to take over a lot of the domestic chores around the house that she doesn't have time for. So be ready at her beck and call and she'll be far more receptive when you really want to show her how you'd really like to repay her.

And, yes, sadly you'll have to kiss meeting with the guys at the bar for Monday Night football. For one thing, you're a big target and they'll probably get really mad if they get kidnapped along with you and have to be saved by a girl. As you well know, the male ego is pretty fragile. Your guy buddies would never forgive you.

So it's probably a good idea not to make any plans and just resolve your life around your woman. You and her will both be a lot happier.

4. BE FLEXIBLE - LITERALLY

As a professional GID (guy in distress for those in the know) you're going to be tied up. A lot! So, while a lot of men consider it 'girly,' yoga classes are great for building up that flexibility you'll need while tightly bound and gagged waiting to be rescued.

And on a related note..

5. KEEP IN SHAPE

This is key to keeping the superheroine of your dreams. As I mentioned earlier, none of your previous accomplishments really mean anything. You're pretty much just eye candy and unless you want your girl to go for the next buff superguy in the Hall of Heroes, you need to make sure you look good for her. If not, you can very quickly find yourself kicked to the curb and yesterdays news.

Also keep in mind that,as her boy toy, you're going to be in the public eye whether you want to or not. The tabloids are going to pound you if you're not in shape. When Wonder Lass' guy got tagged with the 'Beer Belly Boy' nickname, it was all over for him. Don't let this happen to you.

And remember that collectable statue they made of the half-naked Mary Jane washing Spider-man's costume? Well, there gonna be making on of you in your speedos dutifully washing your supergirl's spandex and cape. Your going to want to look good while you pose for that.

Plus, 9 out of 10 supervillainesses surveyed have mentioned they're more likely to keep an attractive hostage alive. So hit the gym, boy! It could literally be a matter of life and death.

In closing, just remember your main purpose in life is to stand by your superwoman and ... wait. Who's that. Oh my god! It's a supervillainess flying outside my window. I think she's come for me and..... HELP!


#$*EW3soede)0W

Hello This is Evilina Darkspell, premiere supervillainess and future empress of earth. As you may have surmised, I have taken the author of this article hostage am trussing him up to take to my lair. I'm reading this and can see he's given some really good advice. It would really be a shame if something were to happen to him.  So if you ever want to see him alive, Superbabe, meet me in my 'secret hideout.' Alone!

Bwahahaha!
Practical advice for the modern dude in distress.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsnoopingdetective:
SnoopingDetective Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
This is a lot of fun and really well written. Good to have an idea of what I'm in for!
Reply
:icondistressedguy:
DistressedGuy Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
Thank you so much.
As a snooping detective, you're going to find yourself in situations like that A LOT.
You lucky guy!
Reply
:iconsnoopingdetective:
SnoopingDetective Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
Just hope a superheroine will rescue me...
Reply
:icondistressedguy:
DistressedGuy Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
Keep snooping and I'm sure one will.
Superheroines just can't resist rescuing helpless guys in distress like us.
Reply
:iconnerorosaimmortale:
NeroRosaImmortale Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure we can, darkling. ;)
Reply
:icondistressedguy:
DistressedGuy Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014
Ok, well I guess I can't resist being rescued by beautiful superheroines like you.
(SWOON!)
Reply
:iconladytania:
ladytania Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is really cute and very fun to read! I agree, keeping in shape and doing laundry help a lot. ;)
Reply
:icondistressedguy:
DistressedGuy Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
Thank you.
For Ultra-Woman, I'd go to the gym and laundromat five times a day!
Reply
:iconcaelumjustitia:
CaelumJustitia Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This just so made my day! Very creative and entertaining :D
Reply
:icondistressedguy:
DistressedGuy Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Thank you so much.
Reply
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